[Jandek] Jandek, my superhero

Angela's hotmail oliveralden at hotmail.com
Thu Jan 6 12:01:18 PST 2005

One of the other mailing lists that I'm on is for record dealers who mostly sell & collect psychedelia.  One of the lists' best & most frequent writers is a humorous, lovely fellow.  He is also, however, a notorious and intractable Jandek hater.  Recently, we chatted about Corwood's own and I thought you guys would like to see the results.  

It started as a conversation about how girlfriends don't like their boyfriend's psych records.  Very similar to conversations we've had here:

Well I always blame that half of the species for giving us Celine Dione,
Whitney Houston and all the other lip quivering rubbish
Let's not forget Dino Vanelli, Michael Bolton, Kenny G and, of course,
Corwood recording artist......
Stan, your anti-Jandek stance is reaching epic proportions.  I may have to tell Janky's mailing list about this psych dealer who can't stop thinking about how much he hates Jandek.  Not to be pseudo-threatening, of course. You should go for it.  I always say if you're gonna lay it on, lay it on thick (s'pose that's why I like Jandek in the first place).  Anyhow, just wanted to see if you'd think it was fun if you ended up part of the Jandek legend.
I think Stan better not tell any of us his birthday, because he'll
be inundated with Jandek presents...
I can always use more out of focus porch furniture. 
The straw concession alone should be worth a fortune.
As in "grasping at".  They must do a lot of that.  And, if you run out of 
straws at 3 in the morning there, alone in your apartment in your Jandek jammies.... who you gonna call?  Exactly.
How about it Angela?  You put up the money and do the work and we'll split 70/30.  OK, 60/40... I'm a softie, that's why I never made any money in the record biz.
Hey!  How about Jandek inaction figures.  It could slouch listlessly against the side of your desk lamp and yowl annoyingly when you pull the little string hanging from its ass.
We could sell the dolls, and then sell these cool little outfits and Jandek 
fans could gather and play dress up.  Gainsborough's "Blue Boy" Jandek, Astronaut Jandek, Transvestite Jandek (we could buy some unpopular Barbie outfits on the cheap), Lumberjack Jandek (with optional woman's underwear).... the marketing potential is......
You can have the rights to the action figures, we'll split the bio-pic movie/book deal, & I'll take the Happy Meal & Pepsi cross-promotions & clothing lines all to myself.
Don't forget to include cream colored furniture & a dangerously-leaning house for those Jankids (tm) to buy as accessories.
How about an animated Jandek cartoon series for Saturday mornings?  I mean, if the rest of the week's gonna suck, how fair is it that Saturday gets to be so cool?
Maybe Jandek, Johnny Quest and Space Ghost could team up in some sort of postmodern Super Friends sort of way.  Regardless of how good the  series was, we'd get to travel to all the academic conferences it would spin off.
Maybe in an average episode evil villains would plot the destruction of a damn or nuclear reactor, Johnny Quest and Space Ghost would be out clubbing somewhere and not answering their cells and Jandek would show up, play some songs (I'm sorry, I meant "songs"), and the villains would become disoriented and confused.
Evil Villain: So, you say you've released how many records?
Jandek: Forty one.
Evil Villain: I'm sorry I.... I... I just need to... oh.... I think i need to sit down for a minute.... there.... I'll be fine... I just.......
With powers like those, he would certainly be ten times more useful to the League of Justice than Apache Chief or Aquaman.  Perhaps he should just have a set of magic drapes that he keeps in his house in case any villains show up.

So, folks, any ideas for more Jandek lifestyle accessories?

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